


Emma the Stud (not really)

by KizuRai



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack-ish, Emma's not really a stud, F/F, I don't know how to tag this eek, I will update names as I go, Jealous! Regina, Oblivious Characters are Oblivious, Oblivious! Emma, Regina's going to have to bat these women away..., and maybe even a little terrified, but a lot of women are going to flirt with her, but the most crackish thing I've written okay, okay maybe not that cracky, she's going to be so confused, with a bat maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-26 21:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15010094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KizuRai/pseuds/KizuRai
Summary: The whole town is sick and tired of the infamously dense couple. They're so nauseatingly in love but dense as bricks that everyone wants to tear their hair out.Emma's the idiot that sat back and tried her best to give Regina a happy ending so she was a lost cause so everyone decided they were going to make the Mayor jealous instead, without the Sheriff knowing what everyone's up to.





	1. Ruby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crack fic (well, as crack-ish as I can get, which is not really lol) to alleviate all the doom and gloom I've been writing for my SQSN fic. I'm also terrible with timelines and completely out of touch with canon so just assume this is some AU lol where everyone's all friends.
> 
> Also, side note, I am not used to writing so much dialogue LOL having that much whitespace feels ucky, so, sorry for the ‘not-too-much-dialogue, not-enough-dialogue’ limbo I have going on here.

Being a werewolf had its ups and downs. The upside is that she has really good senses. The downside  _is that she has really good senses_.  Whenever their resident Saviour/Sheriff came into the diner and the Mayor followed suit, the palpable smell of longing would fill the entire room that she practically chokes at the tension.

It's only gotten worse over the years and right now it's to the point that she wants to just grab the both of their heads and knock them against each other. They're both so  _stubborn_  that it was driving her insane.

And then Snow -  _Snow_  - could even see it. Snow came up to her one day and whispered over the counter "I think Emma and Regina love each other." And you  _know_  when it comes to love, even naive, oblivious Snow would figure it out.

"Okay, but what do we do about it? Because I'm  _this_  close to wolfing out and tearing out all my fur."

“I don’t know Red. How do you get the two most stubborn women in all the realms to finally realize they love each other?”

Snow sat there, propping her chin with an arm deep in thought while Ruby would do all her waitress-y things and come back and ask if there was any progress. They would spit out ideas every once in awhile but shoot it down right after.

“Um, excuse me,” Ruby caught sight of Belle behind Snow.

“Hey Belle!”

“Hey!” Her Australian accent was strong even with short words. The bright blue eyed brunette smiled beautifully at Ruby, “So I couldn’t help but overhear…”

“Oh!” And this caught Snow’s immediate attention, “Do you have any ideas? Oh gosh, Red, we should have told Belle  _hours_  ago!”

“Well, normally I would think that much confidence in me was misplaced but this time I’m fairly certain that my idea will work.” Like Snow and Ruby, she was also tired of watching their two town heroes turn into a puddle of mush around each other and  _still_ don't understand that they're meant for each other.

At this point Snow’s jumping up and down on her seat, “I’m all ears!”

“Okay, so…”

 

* * *

 

 

 She’s sucking in her breath, “You got this. You got this.” Then she’s at the door and  _maybe she doesn’t got this_. It’s weird, it’s a little weird right? This is totally weird, especially when Emma was technically her goddaughter.

On the other hand, if she doesn’t go through with this plan she’ll have to deal with a mopey goddaughter instead, so maybe- yeah okay, she’s being a great godmother, she can totally do this.

She pushes past the door to the Station and sure enough, she can hear the playful bantering between Sheriff and Mayor down the hall. “Here goes nothing.” She mumbles to herself and grips the lunch bag a little tighter before she strides in.

Emma immediately stops mid-sentence and sits up straighter as if Ruby had caught them doing something.  _Psh_  as if, if they were  _actually_  doing anything her life would be a thousand times easier.

“Hey Ruby!”

“Miss Lucas.”

They both greet her and she gulps and purposely ignores Regina and waltzes over to Emma.

“Hey there, sexy.” She tries to go as low and sultry as she can. She can practically feel the both of them stiffen but the air around the Mayor just turned a billion times colder. Fear. Her wolf senses are screaming at her to run but she made this bed, and now it’s time for her to lay in it. “I brought you lunch, you didn’t drop by and I  _missed_  you.”

She casually, sensually strokes Emma’s arm and Emma’s staring at her wide eyed like she’s grown another head.

“Wha- Uh- Huh?”

“What, Miss Lucas, do you  _think_  you’re doing?”

 She takes a deep calming breath before turning around, “Oh hi, Regina! I didn’t see you there!” And  _oh god,_  if looks could kill.

“ _I will not ask again_.”

Ruby considered if she should try her luck on snaking an arm around Emma, but it seemed Emma finally came to her senses and backed off a bit.  _Guess that’s my cue to go, but let’s see if we can incite Regina a little further_.

“I just wanted to come see my favourite Sheriff, Regina, it’s not really any of your business.”

“It is when you’re in front of me, flaunting-  _What_  are you wearing?” Ruby looked down at herself; she unbuttoned her top by like 3 buttons and tied the bottom of it to show off her belly button so there’s pretty much 1 button holding it all together. She also purposely raised the hemline of her already short skirt and wiggled it low on her hips to show off her thong.

“Just something I thought Emma would appreciate,” She turned her head to wink at the completely in shock blonde, “like what you see?”

“Okay, that’s it, out!  _Out!_ ” And Regina looked like she was ready to hurl a fireball at her face so she quickly called it quits and scurried out of there.

 

* * *

 

 

 “I’m alive!” Was the first thing she said when she burst into the diner with her tail between her legs.

“How did it go?” Belle asked excitedly.

“Well, Regina looked like she was ready to skin me alive but I don’t know if this will change anything.”

“This might take more than just one person, and more than one day.”

“ _Ugh_ , these two just need to hurry up and grab each other and fu-“

“Red!” Snow squeaks out, “That’s my  _daughter_!”

To this Ruby just raises and eyebrow, “Snow, you do know what’ll happen when these two get together right? I’m a werewolf but that’s nothing compared to the way these two are going to have animalistic se-“

“STOP! Stop! No more! I’m done for the day!” And Snow dashes out of the diner with Ruby sniggering after her.

“Well that was unusually cruel, you have to let a mother dream Ruby.” Belle said while sipping at her tea.

Ruby slumped down in the booth beside the brunette, “I barely got out of there with my limbs attached,” she said while waving an arm around, “let me have this today.”

 “Was she really that frightening?”

“ _Oh yeah._ ”

 

* * *

 

 

Emma unceremoniously sat on her office chair when Ruby left, still left rather bewildered. 

“The hell just happened?”

Regina continued to glare off at the direction the werewolf ran off to despite the woman being long gone. “Your guess is as good as mine. But tell me if that bimbo comes back and sexually harasses you again.” She looked back to the blonde but Emma just waved her off.

“It's fine, I’m sure it was just a harmless prank.” Regina grit her teeth however and decided not to say any choice words.

“I suppose I should head back and let you resume your work, Sheriff.”

Emma beamed a smile at her and Regina couldn’t help but smile back, “Sure, thanks for visiting, Regina.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that don’t mind spoilers and want to see the madness that is the inside of my brain, please refer to this:
> 
> https://twitter.com/KizuRai/status/1009164688829997056
> 
> As this was my planning text for this fic lmao


	2. Belle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure if I’ll change POVs for each woman, if I do, it’ll be a fun little writing exercise for writing so many different personalities.  
> Also, what in the world? I got bombarded with so many kudos I don’t know what to do with it all. All I could hear playing in my head afterwards was:
> 
> My Jealous! Regina fics bring all the commenters to the yard,  
> And they’re like,  
> oh my god,  
> Damn right I’m such a fraud (lol),  
> I’d write more,  
> But I’d have to discard.
> 
> All rights reserved. I’ll wait for my record deal.

The bell on the door chimed when she opened it, announcing her arrival to the people in the diner and Ruby immediately waved and gestured her over to a booth. She waved back, not nearly as enthusiastically, and nodded, heading over to one of the booths in the corner. As soon as she sat down, Ruby practically leapt into the seat opposite of hers right after gently setting down her cup of tea. The young werewolf groaned, exhausted and frustrated.

“Can you believe it? It’s been a few days and _nothing_ has changed between the two of them! Is it weird that it’s not that weird flirting with Emma anymore? Like, I’m getting kind of used to it. Okay, it’s still a little weird but-”

“ _Ruby_ ,” she cuts off her rambling, “I said it wouldn’t be that easy.”

The werewolf instantly deflates, “Yeah, yeah, I know. You know I’m not exactly patient.” Just then, the bell from the door rings again signaling the appearance of Emma and Regina. They pretty much only had eyes for each other and they quickly chose a booth without ever breaking their conversation. “Speak of the devil. I gotta go be a waitress now.” Belle hums and sips at her tea and observes the town’s latest disaster.

It was obvious to her and possibly the rest of the world that Emma was head over heels in love with Regina but the Mayor was a little harder to read. It was the little actions that cemented the mutual feelings for Belle, it was the subtle touches, the unwavering eyes and the smiles – the smiles said it all. Regina had her kidnapped once – then again, so has everyone else – and she was wary of her for a while, but they now have a cordial relationship.

Regina would come in for a book or two and they would quietly discuss some of the better points of a story like their own private book club. She knew Regina was lonely, and she does want to help her friend, the former Queen has become dear to them all.

She absentmindedly starts rummaging through her bag before she comes up with an idea. She takes a book out of her bag and pretends to read it, she then subtly waves Ruby over. The young brunette raises and eyebrow but wanders over anyway, curious. When Ruby gets there, she stands next to her and holds up her pen and notebook as if to write down her order. “What are you up to?” She asks quietly.

Belle makes a show of flipping a page, “I am going to enjoy this book,” she announces as casually as she can and then lowers her voice, “and then I’m going to forget it here and _someone_ can bring it back for me.” She glances over at two in question but they were too invested in their conversation to even notice that they were being talked about.

Ruby’s eyebrows flew up her forehead and she laughs, “You’re secretly an evil mastermind aren’t you.” The leggy brunette taps the table next to Belle’s cup and winks at her, acknowledging the plan. She then goes off to pretend she’s much more busy than she actually is and Belle takes a moment to finish her cup before she gets up and leaves, making sure not to touch her book.

The bell at the door signaled once again her presence and she leaves as casually as she can and walks back to the library. It’s not a terribly long trek but it’s a little chilly outside and she wonders if she can use that to her advantage.

When she gets inside she decides she can make a pot of coffee or tea; she’s been hanging out with Zelena recently which might attribute to her recent tea obsession but a nice chamomile tea might entice the power couple to stay a little longer.

Deciding that was a good idea, she starts to boil water, and while she’s waiting, she starts to clean up the couch that she’s slept on, on occasion. Satisfied with her set-up, she grabs a book and sits at her desk.

“There, now we wait.”

 

* * *

 

 

Emma has found that she really likes lunch time.

To be fair, she’s always liked lunch time and eating and treating herself with a bear claw… or 2. But lunch with Regina made things extra special for some reason. Like she feels like she can really slow down and enjoy it with the other woman and lunch time wasn’t all about the food anymore.

When they sat down, Regina muttered about the cold and Emma laughed and said she was such a ‘Cuddle Bear’. That earned her a glare but she was so used to those by now she knew which glares were real or not and this glare hardly held any weight.

“You need to stop giving me these ludicrous names, Miss Swan, or you will regret it.”

“Aww, so you don’t like to snuggle up when you’re cold? Okay, next movie night I’ll be sure to keep far away from you then.”

“No- I-“ Regina’s eyes widened at the prospect of losing the warm body on cold movie nights that she couldn’t even pretend she didn’t care. “ _Emma_ “

“Yes, _Cuddle Wuddle Bear_?”

“ _I hate you_.” Before Emma could goad her friend any more Ruby popped up and asked for their order. Regina instantly bristled; the past few days have made her far more clingier but she’s only like that because _this child_ wouldn’t leave Emma alone. Emma half expected her to start hissing at her friend, maybe she would’ve if Regina was a cat. Oh, like a pretty black cat, with nice silky black fur and beautiful eyes. She doesn’t know what colour the eyes would be but they would be big and brilliant regardless.

“You’d make a pretty black cat, Regina.” She says absentmindedly and Regina snaps out of her irritation and laughs.

“Do I even want to know what is going on in that mind of yours, Miss Swan?”

“Hmm, depends.” Emma replied without thinking and an awkward silence fell between them until Ruby cleared her throat.

“ _Your order?”_ Ruby asked frustrated, the amount of sweetness and sap between these two makes her want to visit her dentist and check for cavities.

“I would like a chicken salad for here.” Emma made a face at Regina’s order which only caused the older brunette to smirk.

“I’ll be the sensible one and have a grilled cheese and bear claw.” This got her an eye roll from the woman across from her and she grinned.

“At least I’ll live after 50.”

“Funny you should bring that up,” Emma shot right back, “exactly _how old are you ag-_ “

“Okay.” Ruby cut in before they started bantering again, and then, as if an afterthought, she leaned over Emma and whispered, “Are you _sure_ you don’t want anything else?” and poor Emma gave her the most confused look ever.

“ _She’s fine_.” Regina gritted out before Emma could say anything, “You can _go_ now, you _floozy_.” Regina mutters the last part but with Ruby’s good hearing, she catches it, causing her to leave with a scoff. Regina’s still tense however, her knuckles white as she grips the table, so Emma reaches over and coaxes her hands to relax, to which they instantly melt when their hands meet. “I don’t know why we continue to come here, Emma.”

The blonde laughs, “It’s cheap, the foods pretty good, and this is kinda the only place we _can_ go.”

“Who decided that was a good idea.” Was the mumbled reply, and Emma tapped the other woman’s hands lightly.

“You did, Miss I’m-Going-To-Curse-Everyone-To-Indoor-Plumbing-But-Everyone-Will-Suffer-With-One-Diner.”

This got Regina to stop frowning and slowly brought a smile to her face, “A large oversight, I’ll have to admit.”

“But you don’t regret the indoor plumbing.”

“I will _never_ regret the indoor plumbing.”

They continue in this vein until Ruby comes over with their order; Regina practically hisses when the young brunette stepped towards them. The werewolf holds up her hands in defence and Emma tries to calm her best friend down.

“Hey, relax, I just need to ask a favour.”

“Emma is not doing you _any_ favou-“

“Oh my god, _chill!_ ” Ruby whips out a book, “Belle kind of left this here and I need someone to bring this back for her.” She stares at both of them but only Emma just shrugs and nods which was not part of the plan.

Regina then relaxes, thinking _Belle_ was sensible enough and there was no danger with her. What that danger was exactly, she wasn’t entirely sure, _maybe it was the danger of her Sheriff’s chastity_. “I’m sure you can handle a trip to the library yourself, Miss Swan, maybe you’ll learn a thing or two from osmosis.”

Emma pouts however, “Yeah, yeah, very funny, you sure you don’t want to come with me though? It’d be nice to spend some more time together.” Emma sounded so hopeful that Regina almost accepts.

“Emma, I have work to do,” Regina reaches over and grabs one of the blonde’s hands, “we can spend some time later tonight if you want to come over for movie night?”

Emma deflates, but perks up later, “Oh, okay, I would love that.”

Meanwhile, Ruby’s panicking on the inside, _no, no, no, this won’t work, I have to think of something quick!_ Chalking it up to quick genius thinking and not a panic induced stab at the dark, Ruby tapped her finger against her chin as if she were deep in thought “You know,” she starts to say in an offhand, non-committed comment, “Belle recently has been _raving_ about your arms, be sure to flex those bad boys for her when you get there, okay?” She’s not sure if this will work but she tries to throw in a wink for good measure. A hand slams against the table and startles her mid-wink.

“On second thought!” The Mayor says in a strangely high pitched voice, “I would love to spend more time with you Emma, let’s go to the library _together_.”

Emma, who’s not sure what just happened, rolls with it, “Yeah! Sure, that’ll be great, Regina!”

Neither of them see the silent fist pump Ruby makes to herself.

 

* * *

 

 

When Emma and Regina enter the library, Belle was in the middle of reading a book about a sexy female protagonist that charms her way into everything; she was trying to use that to get into character and she immediately puts the book down and shoots a leery smile at their town Sheriff.

“ _Hi_ Emma, you look cold, why don’t you sit down and I’ll _warm_ you up.” Emma falters, confused at the tone of voice Belle was using, and Regina instantly bristles.

“We came to return your book, Miss French. _Emma_ needs to return back to work right after.”

“ _Emma_ can also answer for herself, don’t you think?” Belle shoots back right away which shocks the ex-Evil Queen. She wasn’t used to the bookworm standing ground against her – she wasn’t used to anyone standing against her except for her Sheriff to be exact – and she’s wondering what’s in the water to make everyone act this way.

They both turn their heads to the blonde and Emma – not used to being put in the spotlight – shrugs, “I mean, it was cold outside.”

“Idiot.” Regina mutters beside her.

“Excellent!” Belle exclaims instead and rounds her desk. She grabs hold of the blonde and drags her over to the couch - practically tossing her down to sit - as she goes to pour some tea. Regina stands there, debating on what she should do to safely extract the blonde as their town librarian threw herself all over the saviour.

“Here, chamomile, this should warm you right up.” Belle shoves the cup of tea at the fumbling blonde and prowls closer, “ _But_ if that’s not enough, I can think of _other_ things we could do to heat things up.” Emma nearly sputters out all the tea at the obvious innuendo.

“I’m good, thanks.” Emma nervously replies back while drinking from the small cup.

_This was getting ridiculous_ , Regina thought, the horribly crass and maybe even cliché lines she had expected from the horny werewolf, but Belle? She was _supposed_ to be the sensible one. Regina suspects there’s something very wrong going on now.

_And also_ , Regina grit her teeth, _why is Emma just letting the bookworm fawn all over her?_

As if sensing Regina’s rising anger, Emma looked between her and Belle and politely coughs out, “Thanks for the tea Belle, but I think we should be going.”

Belle frowns, she wasn’t expecting Emma to be so intuitive of Regina’s feelings but Emma was always a bit of a wild card and she’s beginning to realize they’re going to have to up their game if they want Regina to act on anything. Emma was too polite, a bit aloof and standoffish that it was hard for anyone to get near, despite their best efforts. And Regina might be aware of that, which might be why she’s not a thousand times more possessive.

No, using Ruby and herself, people that both Emma and Regina knew fairly well wasn’t going to work.

“Alright then,” Belle concedes, “sad to see you go but you need to protect the town don’t you?” she trails a finger down the blonde’s arm and traces the muscles. Ruby called her right after their town’s densest couple started heading towards her and told her about the bicep thing. She watches from the corner of her eye as Regina looks almost longingly at her, as if she wanted to be in her place before the usual Mayoral mask was put back in place and Regina stalks over to rip the Sheriff out of her grasp.

“Miss Swan _thanks_ you for the tea, but she really needs to go back to her job. She’s neglecting it enough as it is.” _Without you as a distraction_ , was implied.

“Um, yeah, thanks for the tea, Belle” Emma’s staring at her own bicep as if she’s wondering if it really was that attractive. Regina’s kinda gripping her arm now and she test flexes it a bit. Regina’s eyes widen when she feels the movement and her head snaps to Emma’s; her eyes were dark and Emma feels slightly smug at the reaction. Maybe she _is_ somewhat attractive? The amount of attention she’s received for the past few days have certainly increased her confidence, that’s for sure. The only opinion she cared about was Regina’s, but the positive attention didn’t hurt.

When they leave the library, she feels the brunette immediately distance herself and she should be used to it by now, but Emma still feels mildly depressed whenever Regina pushes her away.

“I’ll walk you back to your office, Madame Mayor?” She asks, not quite willing to part with her friend.

That earned her a smile, “Why thank you, Sheriff.” The brunette then relaxes and they fall into step with each other as they head for Town Hall.

They get there much too quick for Emma’s liking but there’s nothing left to do so she says “Bye Regina.” And leaves awkwardly.

As she turns around and starts heading to the station, she hears Regina’s soft but demanding voice, “I’ll see you tonight for dinner, Sheriff.”

Emma spins around quickly and grins, throwing a thumbs up and Regina rolls her eyes and scoffs but the side of her mouth quirks up and Emma knows she’s trying to hold back a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this might turn out floofier than I thought :/ next chapter is when the big guns are being brought in though. I’m gonna have to up my Jealous Regina game.  
> I also really didn’t like how I wrote this chapter haha I’ve rewritten it about 4 times. I dislike it so much I started writing the next chapter already lol!


End file.
